Dear Nickelback Haters

Yesterday, driving home, “How You Remind Me” by Nickelback started playing on the radio.

It was, glorious.

Mom, Dad — for context, a lot of people, for no reason at all, hate Nickelback. It probably makes them feel sophisticated.

Haters: “omg, Nickelback? Nickelback sucks. Such mass-market garbage dude. I’m different, and better. Yeah.”

Nickelback haters, your entire personality is how quickly your eyes roll when somebody plays top 40. Maybe mommy and daddy made you play baseball instead of letting you take singing lessons? Did you want to be a star? Did they not tell you you were special?? Does hating popular music make you unique???? I bet you used to love Katy Perry, T-Pain. Even NSYNC. What happened during your middle school dance, huh? Did Olivia Ryerson laugh at you with all her giggly, Ugg wearing friends when you bolted off the wall to dance aka jump up and down to Burnin’ Up by the Jonas Brothers?

Well, Olivia sucks. You can let her go. She is probably a low-level sales rep for a technology company who will never be promoted, lives beyond her means in the Marina, and hangs out with ‘friends’ she doesn’t even like.

Hating Nickelback is now as corny as it used to be to love Nickelback. So if you don’t want to be caught with the herd, come join me. JOIN ME!!! It’s okay. I know, it is hard. But this will be fun. Aww, don’t cry my antisocial, sarcastic, Nickelback hating friend. There there. It’s okay!!

I have some good news for you.

I have the perfect song we can cry to. It is a cathartic song about saying goodbye. Let’s belt it out together.